how to make a good salad; a guide to finding friends that will help you succeed
No, I did not just turn this into a food blog.
If you had lettuce and you wanted to make a good salad, you wouldn’t just add more lettuce. (bear with me, I promise there’s a point to this.)
Scientifically, humans have the natural desire to belong. Charles Darwin said, “In the long history of humankind, those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.” Our ancestors lived in tribes for survival. Being a part of a group meant increased resources, better mating opportunities, and safety. Although being a part of a group is no longer a necessity for survival, the concept is instinctual and still drives a part of our behavior today.
One of the most beautiful things about our world today is the infinite various cultures and social groups. Where you are from, how you were raised, what you believe, and the social norms of your culture all subconsciously tell you how to live your life. This fact is a double-edged sword. As James Clear wrote in his book titled Atomic Habits, “Often, you follow the habits of your culture without thinking, without questioning, and sometimes without remembering.” Although you cannot always control the environment or culture in which you live or how you were raised, you can control the people you surround yourself with. If you are currently surrounding yourself with people who are holding you back, this could be a large barrier in your path to success.
Throughout my life, I never really had a difficult time making friends. I grew up in the same small town my whole life and most of my besties have been there since day one. Many of my current friends all sat next to each other during circle time in kindergarten, all had Vera Bradley lunch boxes in middle school, and are still here 16 years later. I love my hometown friends with all my heart, and luckily I found myself running with a crowd of kind-hearted and motivated people. I am very blessed to have this group of friends that I have gone through life with and they are a crucial part of my support system. After being separated from these people when going to college, however, I realized that my beliefs and ideas were rarely challenged by the people I surrounded myself with.
You see, the easiest and most effective way to make friends is by meeting people who have the same or similar interests to you. And while yes, doing this will make you friends, it will not make you successful- unless your only goal is to have friends. In which case, there you go. Go eat your lettuce and be done with it.
I found that when I went to college, none of my ideas or thoughts, or beliefs had ever truly been challenged. Why? Because all the people I surrounded myself with were raised the same way I was, in the same place I was, surrounding themselves with the same people I was. All it took was a boy with blue hair and his Italian roommate who were moving in down the hall in my freshman dorm for me to realize that there was much more to life than I understood. (Not to mention the girl with the giant blonde bun propped on the top of her head who went by the name “Bop.”)
I know this may seem ignorant. I would argue that I knew people had different styles and backgrounds and beliefs, I just never made it a point to get to know people who were significantly different than me. (This is why college is a great opportunity to learn how to make a good salad if you haven’t already!) You see, if you surround yourself with people just like you, you will stay the same.
*Note: there is nothing wrong with that, but if you’re on this blog then I expect you are looking for some change.
Which brings me back to the salad- if you add lettuce to lettuce, it’s still just lettuce. If you want a good salad, you need some different ingredients. Now I’m not saying to go throw everything you have in the fridge on your lettuce, because then your salad wouldn't be very appetizing. We are talking gourmet here, people!!
The key to a good salad is having some sort of base similarity between the ingredients. For example, a fruit salad consists of fruits. And yes, you may argue that some salads have cheese and lettuce and strawberries and nuts which all come from different food groups, but they still have a common level of having some sort of nutrients.
And that is what you should strive for in the people you surround yourself with; different but all nutritious.
So let’s break this down a bit:
James Clear argues in Atomic Habits that “One of the most effective things you can do to build habits is to join a culture where your desired behavior is the normal behavior.” As humans, we will instinctually follow the crowd. Therefore, if you want to eat healthy and exercise more, find a roommate who eats healthy and exercises regularly.
“Your culture sets your expectation for what is “normal.” Surround yourself with people who who have habits you want to have yourself. You’ll rise together.” - James Clear
It is a simple formula but often overlooked. Here are some steps to help you find friends who will drive your success.
Know what you bring to the table (pun intended). Allow yourself to admit your strengths.
Acknowledge what you’re missing. Look critically — not personally — at things you could improve on.
Find people who possess those traits without straying from your base similarity (morals, goals, etc.). Let’s say you do some reflecting and believe that you are a kind person but are lacking some leadership skills. That doesn’t mean you should hit up your high school’s Regina George. Rather, talk with the president of the club you’re in, or your CEO aunt, or anyone in your network who you know to be what you believe is a “good person” that has great leadership skills. You first have to find a similarity between you and this person, and then see how they can push you to be better. In other words, if your salad is missing something sweet, add some tomatoes instead of some sprinkles.
LEARN FROM THEM. Ask them questions. Challenge their ideas and encourage them to challenge yours. It is crucial to keep an open mind as a closed mind won’t receive any information or knowledge. Make it a point to mention that you admire the specific skill they have. This will encourage them to talk more with you about what they do to obtain this skill.
Make them become a part of your life!! Ask them to get coffee every Monday morning. See if they’ll be your running buddy. The more time you spend with them, the more you will learn from them, and the more their skill will become yours.
Here are some of the ingredients for my personal salad recipe (qualities of people who I actively seek out to spend my time with):
motivated- working on a business/personal project, spends time on something uniquely productive (other than school/work), looks for new things to learn about
creative- thinks or acts different than the norm, creates something new, shares unique ideas with others
resilient- has overcome challenges, has a strong positive outlook on life despite facing adversity
grateful- feels blessed for what they have, takes the opportunity to help others, sees beauty and value in everyday things
open-minded- understands their biases, able to have conversations about controversial topics, listens to others and challenges their own opinions
high energy- does a variety of things in their daily life, generally positive, fun to be around, sends good energy into the universe, uplifting
Writing this list, I was genuinely thinking about the qualities of my friends. However, since surrounding myself with these people, I have found that I am beginning to see these traits in myself. I hope that if you know me personally, you are beginning to notice these qualities in me as well, as these are some of the qualities I wish to project into the world. (Note my post on the basics of personal branding.)
I realize in my last post I just encouraged you to be different. I stand by that. Fitting in with a crowd doesn’t mean you need to be exactly like these people. You can keep your individuality while surrounding yourself with people you admire who have traits and habits you seek to possess. The trick is to surround yourself with people you want to be like while still finding a way to stand out. If you find the right people, this won’t be as hard as it sounds.
I challenge you to learn something from every person you interact with. This will allow you to expose yourself to more people who each have different “signature skills.” Yes, some may not be right for your salad, but by getting to know as many people as you can, you will have a bigger variety of ingredients to choose from. The boy with blue hair? He makes music and is a self-taught tattoo artist and the absolute most driven, disciplined, confident, creative, hardworking, and successful person I have ever met. In fact, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have the guts to be writing this post right now. His Italian roommate? He is a musician, rocket-building engineer, and one of the most talented, genuine, down-to-earth people I have ever met who never fails to make me smile.
Oh and that big blonde bopper? Truly one of the most amazing people I have met in my entire life who is constantly challenging herself (and me) to be better. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here without you.
Don’t get me wrong, I still need my day ones. Many of my morals and beliefs which I still stand by today come from the people I grew up with. And what’s a salad without lettuce? But it’s the people who were different from me who allowed me to grow and advance in life.
So what are you waiting for? Get cooking !!
As always, share your thoughts! And of course…
Stay Stoked,
B