59 things my dad taught me
One day while I was away at school, I got a call from a friend who was letting out our neighbor’s dog. She told me that their garage code wasn’t working and she couldn’t get into the house. Before she could even call the family, she turned around to see my dad standing behind her in the driveway holding a screwdriver to try and fix the door code. That is the kind of guy my dad is. Always there when you need him, going out of his way to help others.
In all honesty, there’s about 59 million things that my dad taught me. As he has been previously mentioned in my prior posts, it isn’t difficult to see that I think of him highly. To say that he is one of my biggest role models is an understatement. If you have had the honor to meet and know this man, you know he would do just about anything for anyone. I decided to take the opportunity of his birthday to reflect on some of the things he has taught me that have helped me get through life.
Hugs are healing
Enjoy and appreciate warm showers
Fresh air can change a sour mood
Be a good neighbor
How to ride a bike
How to drive a car
How to swing a golf club
Sharing a meal with someone is a great way to show your love
Flannel shirts. Always.
Take care of others but always take care of yourself too
The first pancake is a tester to see if the pan is the right temperature and the first test in a new class is a tester to see how the teacher assesses your knowledge
How to parallel park
Backup your phone often
How to make scrambled eggs
When making your bed, put the printed side of the top sheet facing down so the softer side is touching your skin
Be creative
Do things to make others smile
If you don’t have anything to do at work, ask what else you can help with
When interviewing for a job, share something interesting about yourself that will make you be remembered, and always send a thank you afterwards
Always have a protective case on your phone
15 minutes early is on time, on time is late, and late is never acceptable
When ordering at a restaurant (or asking for anything in general), always start by saying “may I please have”… manners matter!!
Always have high expectations for yourself but be forgiving if things don’t work out as planned (as long as you tried your hardest!)
Always try your best at everything you do
Believe that you can do hard things
How to make the best chocolate chip banana pancakes
Know that you deserve the best and don’t settle for anything less
Always always always be kind
Treat others the way you wish to be treated
Appreciate nature
Appreciate music
There’s a million different ways to say “I love you”
Support the artistic endeavors of others
Appreciate others’ talents and skills and let them know they are appreciated
Don’t stop trying for something you want
Take your time and do things right the first time
There’s no such thing as being over-prepared
Go out of your way for others
When you have company, ask right away if they want anything to eat or drink
Be yourself
Get everything ready for tomorrow the night before
Have big dreams and follow them
Spiders are more scared of you than you are of them
When technology isn’t working, turn it off and on again
Put flannel sheets on your bed in the winter
Learn about and appreciate different cultures
Always have a blanket and/or heavy coat in your car
Keep money in a zippered pocket or wallet, never in a pocket that doesn’t zip
Always try to have $20 cash on you in case of emergencies
Stand up for your dog
Do small kind things for other people often
Send thank you cards after receiving a gift
Dress for the weather
Teasing is a way of showing love
Make sure you have a good resume and ask others to review it
Always double check your work
When you don’t want to get dressed, put your clothes in the dryer so they are warm when you put them on
Listen to Nora Jones on a cozy day
How to love truly, deeply, and without conditions
turn and face the strange (ch-ch-changes)
While this song will forever make me immediately think of Shrek 2, these lyrics strike a new meaning for me now. It is Spring and the season of change!!! If you are anything like me, then you have a very strong love-hate relationship with change. On one hand, it is utterly terrifying. Anything new that I have little to no expectation for triggers my anxiety like nothing else. Whether it is not knowing what door to walk into in a building I have never been to or starting a new job, you can bet I am losing sleep over it the night before and feeling nauseous the morning of. On the other hand, change is something that greatly excites me. It is a new start; a blank page to start another “trial run” of your ideal life.
I recently attended my college graduation ceremony and all of these feelings are hitting me head-on. It is also very much reminding me of the feeling I had when graduating high school. There is a heartbreaking pain of leaving the friends and place you’ve known to be home for years. And there’s also a spark of eagerness to begin a new exciting chapter of life. Through these intense times, I have learned a few strategies that help me navigate these emotions, calm my anxiety, and help me feel prepared for the road ahead.
Plan Your “Trial Run”
I always heard the phrase, “Be who you want to be,” which sounds nice, right? And I am sure it is a great mantra for people who have always known who they want to be. For me, however, this phrase left me frustrated and without direction because there are about 50 different versions of myself that I would “want to be.” I want to be a boss a$$ businesswoman, living in a penthouse in the city making six figs a year. I also want to be a beachy yoga girl who lives in a tiny house on the beach in Hawaii who has no money but is happy as can be. I also want to be a cool artsy nature mom living in Colorado who cooks great meals and takes her 3 little kids on hikes every weekend. Therefore, trying to be the person I envision in my head can be challenging. However, I have found that change can be a great way to test out these various dream versions of B.
Each time I move or start something new, I like to schedule out my days. I am given a work or class schedule, but I dive deeper and try to imagine what my full days will really look like. For example, what will I do in my free time? I spend some time researching possible workout classes I could attend, how far the nearest hiking trail is and how cold it will be in the mornings/how hot in the afternoons, possible times to stop at the coffee shop, etc. Refer back to your list of motivational activities and see where you can fit them in between your work/class schedule. I also try to use this opportunity to try something new. This is where the “trial run” comes in. A change in your life can be a great time for a change in yourself. Therefore, I take the new opportunity of change to try something that aligns with one of these visions of “who I want to be”. Even if it is as simple as trying out a new style of clothes or wearing my hair a different way, doing something that makes me feel a bit more like this version of myself I have decided to try is something to get me excited about whatever life change I am experiencing. You could call them phases if you wanted, but I treat these trial runs as more of a strategy than a phase. When I find a hobby, style, passion, etc. that I love, it will stick with me into my next chapter in life, becoming a part of who I am. So, in the end, if I end up being an artsy mom who cooks great food, makes six figs a year, and lives in Hawaii, then that’s the B I was meant to be.
Fantasize Your Life Without Forgetting What You Have Learned
This tip is something I wish I knew when coming to college. I was fantastic at fantasizing my college life when I was a senior in high school. I pictured myself being in the best shape of my life, making the most amazing friends, studying hard and getting straight A’s, being the life of the party, dating cute guys, and possibly finding my future husband. I knew this was a fantasy and college would be hard, but hoping for the best was my way of dealing with the heartbreak of leaving home. This of course left me completely unprepared when I lost my 4-sport high school athlete body, my friends transferred schools, I was uninterested and therefore unmotivated in my classes, got sick with mono, switched my major, two canceled study abroad trips, two hard break-ups, school closed due to a pandemic, got sick with COVID, had a whole year of online classes- including student teaching elementary schoolers remotely, and had to learn how to cope with anxiety and depression. And while I did enjoy my little pity party I just had for myself, reflecting on all of these not-so-ideal events allows me to see how I could have better prepared myself, and how you and I can both be better prepared for the future bumps in the road.
Journaling- Although I am still trying to build this particular habit, I already know how helpful it can be in navigating difficult situations. Not only does journaling help take the edge off of intense emotions you are feeling in the moment, but it can also be used to help identify your patterns of behavior. If you are feeling a certain way that reminds you of how you felt about something in the past, you can reflect on what you wrote when going through it then, and see what could help you process and manage these emotions now.
Recognizing and giving credit to your past experiences- I had a very fortunate upbringing, and I knew this going into college. While this is a blessing and I would in no way want to take this for granted, it also made me feel like I did not know how to handle any hard situations. When I left home, I thought “How am I going to do this? I haven’t experienced any adversity!” Of course, I had experienced hardship and pain, I just did not give myself credit for it because I knew so many people did not have the same luxuries I did growing ups, such as a loving family and amazing friends, a roof over my head and a full belly going to sleep every night. I now know that it is important to credit your pain in order to handle it. Although someone’s life may seem so much harder than yours or even be harder than yours, it does not mean you do not have struggles of your own that you are allowed to feel just as hurt by. By thinking I hadn’t experienced hardship when going into college, I was in the mindset that whenever that “hard time” would eventually arise, I would crumble. It is important to know that you have gotten through hard times before, so you know you will be able to get through them again.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is create a change when you realize the life you fantasized about isn’t actually making you happy. For a while in high school, I dreamed about making the big bucks. My Pinterest was filled with big houses and expensive clothes. My friend even got me a toy Mercedes G-Wagon for my sixteenth birthday because it was my dream car. When I was admitted into the College of Business Honors program my freshman year of college, these visions seemed more and more attainable. This program could connect me with uber-successful alumni and help land me an amazing job. However, after taking business classes for a year and a half, I knew a career in this field was not something that could make me happy. In fact, I pretty much knew this after my very first semester, it just took me until after my third semester to finally make the change. And let’s just say, it was not an easy decision to make. It meant losing my membership in this prestigious program that took so much work to get into, losing my scholarship, canceling my scheduled semester abroad in Italy, and starting back at square one- being two semesters behind schedule to graduate. But the more I listened to myself and the worse I felt after walking out of MIS classes and cluster briefings (if you know you know), I knew a change needed to happen. Funny how even change that you plan for can be just as, if not more, overwhelming than an unexpected change. But now, I can’t imagine not pursuing a career in education. As cringy as it sounds, it simply feels right; like it’s exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life. And curiously enough, the big house and G-Wagon I wanted so bad for so long isn’t at all what I want anymore. My new fantasized life makes me so excited for the future I chose for myself and it feels like me. I just needed to know what wasn’t me to find out what was. So, when you feel like what you are doing isn’t for you, don’t keep doing it just because you started. Just like how it’s never too late to make a change to start something new, it’s never too late to stop doing something you have been just because “you’re in too deep.” Don’t keep yourself waiting to be happy with your life.
Other Tips for Handling Change Like a Pro
Pick up the phone- Talking to others is a great way to both prepare for the change that is about to happen, as well as cope with the effects of change after it has happened. For example, let’s say you are about to move to a new place. To prepare for this change, work on building a strong relationship with someone you will be interacting with after you move there. This could be a roommate, a future coworker, or even someone on a dating app. Feeling like you have someone you can talk to and/or hang out with even before you move to this new place can be very comforting, even if the relationship you start to build doesn’t end up lasting. On the other hand, moving to a new place doesn’t mean you lose everyone you knew before. Although you may not be able to talk to loved ones as often as you normally might, you could still text an old friend, or my personal favorite, facetime your parents. And yes, while some friends may fade, the magic of change is that you can find the ones that will stick while making new ones at the same time. So, ultimately, more friends to love!
Make your new space home- My favorite!! Maybe it’s just because I love decorating, but one of the most exciting parts about change is creating a space that feels like mine. I spend weeks Pinteresting room decor and watching room tours on YouTube, working on DIY projects, making trips to Marshalls and Home Goods, and sketching out the exact layout of my room. And while this heavily applies to moving, it doesn’t have to. If you are going through a breakup or starting a new job, you can redecorate your current space or create a cozy work desk. This will keep the excitement up and amplify the “freshness” of your fresh start.
Breathe- Although you may feel completely prepared for a change, you won’t be. Something will surprise you, and in the moment, you may have no idea how to handle it. That’s the thing about learning, you have to not know something in order to learn it. So when something happens and you have no idea what to do, just breathe. Know yourself, your values, and your resources. Although you may have no idea what to do, someone in the world does. You will figure it out eventually and you will get past it. Step one is the first thing you ever knew how to do: breathe. All the other steps can only happen after that.
If we didn’t all already know before 2020, we sure as heck know now that change is inevitable. At 22, I know I have experienced just a fraction of the changes I will go through during my life. I may look back on this post and think “boy, if only she knew.” But, in all honesty, I hope I do think that. Because with each new change comes a new and stronger B. So even if you hate redecorating, you will always have a stronger you to look forward to when it is all said and done with. Just do as Butterfly Boucher and Davie Bowie said, “Turn and face the strange.”
I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas on how to deal with change, and as always…
Stay Stoked,
B
alternative ways of finding success part II: creating your personal vision and system to live by
Uuuuuuughhhhhh.
That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. It seems like everyone recently is just totally over it. It’s the middle of winter, not even the middle of the semester, and ELEVEN MONTHS into this pandemic. So, yeah. I think uuuuuuuughhhhh is a pretty good description of life right now. If I am being honest, I was going to write about how to get out of a funk. However, feeling like I am stuck in a funk right now, I don’t believe I could give you enough credible advice about this topic to make an entire post about it. I do know, however, that in times when you feel unmotivated, it is good to re-evaluate your purpose and personal vision in life by setting a system to live by. Also, by establishing this system, you don’t have to start back at square one when you’re getting out of a funk. See “why I don’t have goals- alternative ways of finding success: part I”
Before we get into it, I want to remind you that mental illness is serious, and there are resources available to get you through hard times. DO NOT discredit or dismiss your feelings or lack thereof, or just ascribe your depression and/or anxiety to life’s current situation. Talk to your doctor if you are struggling and see what your options are.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
In part I, we discussed intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation, hedonic adaptation, intrinsic goal-based motivation versus intrinsic journey-based motivation, and setting systems. Today we will discuss creating your personal vision and systems, as well as another alternative to setting goals.
Just to clarify, creating a personal vision and setting systems are two separate things. The concept of creating a personal vision comes from Petr Ludwig’s book The End of Procrastination. Setting systems comes from Rowena Tsai’s YouTube video titled “the one habit that is changing my life: set systems rather than goals”, based on essentialism. I took the most value out of both of these concepts when paired together (in addition to my own beliefs and strategies), which is how I will be explaining these methods to you today.
Determining your Core Values
The first step in creating your personal vision, I believe, is determining your core values. (Rowena Tsai refers to this step as “identify what is essential” when explaining how to set a system in her youtube video.) This is not necessarily an exercise that Petr Ludwig includes in his steps for creating a personal vision in his book, but I find it to be a very important place to start. Your core values are what drive you through your day. Knowing what you value most in life gives you an idea of what you should be spending your time on (the things you value most, duh). It seems simple, but many people do not actually take the time to figure out what matters most to them. I have attached a basic core values list I found on Google. Feel free to look them up yourself as well. Read through them all once, then go back and circle the ones that speak to you the most. If there is something you know you value but isn’t on the list, write it in. Try to have 8-10 core values. If you have many more than 10, you will not be able to devote enough time and energy to each of them. We want to be aligning our activities with our values, so if you have 20 values, you simply won’t have enough hours in a day to implement all those values into your daily schedule. You may feel like you care about more than 10 things on this list, but pick the 10 that you know will drive you through your day. Next, number them in order of importance to you. We will use this as the basis of our outcomes for our system, as well as the focus of our personal vision.
Now that you know your core values, we can figure out our best options for how to spend our time.
Personal SWOT Analysis
This goes back to Petr Ludwig’s concept of a personal vision. In the business world (funny how we keep coming back to that…), companies use SWOT analyses to help them make business decisions. SWOT stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. Reflect on your current strengths and weaknesses, not what you wish they were, and write them in the boxes accordingly. Ludwig suggests spending 80% of your time growing and perfecting your strengths, and 20% of your time working on improving your weaknesses. Then, think about the opportunities you have to use these strengths (jobs, hobbies, etc.), and threats that might interfere with these opportunities (a pandemic). Applying your strengths to your opportunities is where you will find your state of flow.
Analysis of Motivational Activities
The next step Ludwig explains is to take this information and come up with a list of “motivational activities,” where you can apply your strengths. What are some things you can do daily that reflect both your values and strengths? What are you going to do to ensure you do these things? Ludwig suggests breaking these activities up into the following 4 categories:
Development Activities- health, education, skill development, rest
Legacy-creating Activities- physical (planting trees, building houses, starting a program), intangible (passing along ideas, values, traditions)
Relationship-building Activities- family, friends, networking
Ego 2.0 Activities- selfless acts (bettering society, helping people)
We will use these motivational activities as the inputs of our system. Therefore, your system should be set up as follows:
Inputs: development activities, legacy-creating activities, relationship-building activities, ego 2.0 activities
Outputs: a reflection of your values, your desired life
Beta Version of Your Personal Vision
Petr Ludwig provides a series of questions to guide you in creating your personal vision. I have altered those questions and added prompts to allow you to create a more concrete and actionable plan for your vision.
What thought, mantra, or quote resonates most with you that helps drive you through the day? Remind yourself of this when you are in a funk.
What activities are you doing in your ideal life?
How can you contribute to society? What ego 2.0 activities can you devote time to?
Evaluate what you currently spend your time doing. Write down everything you do during the day and how long you spend doing it. See how much of your time is spent on non-essential things and activities that are not aligned with your values or are not a part of your “ideal” day. Then, find how you could rearrange your daily schedule to include motivational activities.
How can you keep yourself accountable for living out your personal vision? What can you do to be re-evaluating and improving your personal vision?
Motivation Boost List
This is a bonus ongoing exercise that I find helpful and often refer back to it when I am in a funk. Whenever you experience something that makes you feel extra motivated and ready to take on the world, add it to your list. My personal list consists of songs, speeches, YouTube videos, and movies. Rowena Tsai also suggests making a list of things that make you feel positive and happy, including things, actions, or people.
Fear-Setting; A Third Alternative to Goal-Setting
I recently discovered a TED Talk by author and podcaster Tim Ferriss called “Why you should define your fears instead of your goals.” (Yes, I am that dork that watches TED Talks in her spare time, but hey, that’s part of my personal vision!) Ferriss gives a brief overview of the ancient philosophy of stoicism and separating what you can control from what you cannot control, and then learning how to focus on what you can. He illustrates an exercise created by Seneca the Younger, a stoic philosopher, called “premeditatio malorum,” meaning the premeditation of evils. The exercise consists of figuring out the worst thing that could happen if you took an action that would prevent you from taking that action. Ferriss took this exercise and created a written out version which he calls “fear-setting.” Part one of fear-setting looks like this:
Fill in the blank: “What if I ____?”
Ask yourself what it is you want. What is your desire, vision, or “goal" that you wish to achieve or accomplish?
Define: Create a list of all of the worst things you can think of that could possibly happen if you took that step.
Write down 10 to 20 things that could possibly go wrong.
Prevent: What are things you could do to prevent each worst-case scenario from happening?
Repair: If the worst-case scenario does end up happening, what can you do to recover from it or who could you ask for help?
Part two of Ferriss’s exercise is to then write down any possible benefits you could gain from an attempt or partial success of your action.
The final step in fear-setting is finding the “Cost of Inaction.” What would the consequences be emotionally, financially, physically, etc. of not taking action. Think about what your life would look like if you avoided this action or decision in 6 months, a year, and 3 years. You will likely find that the outcome of not taking action is scarier than any worst-case scenario of taking action.
I wish I had known about this method years ago when I first had the idea to build a social platform for sharing ideas about personal development and branding. Most people are so afraid of change, including me. However, every time I made a change in my life such as switching majors or starting this blog, I always end up with the desire to go back in time and take past me by the shoulders and yell at her face to “JUST FREAKING DO IT!” I am so thankful I have taken the actions I have in my life thus far, and my only regret for many of them is that I didn’t do it sooner. This tool is a great way to avoid that.
Remember that your systems and your personal vision will change throughout your life. You should reflect on your priorities and values often and adjust accordingly. The objective is to start living a life you are excited about, so when that is no longer the case, you know it is time to re-evaluate. Additionally, the purpose of practicing these methods rather than setting goals is that you can be happier now instead of feeling unsatisfied until you reach a goal. These tools are used to help you find direction and meaning. As I have learned, that doesn’t mean you will be all good all the time. Sometimes, you just have bad days. Sometimes, it’s a month, maybe even a year. I am hoping that this can be a resource to help you post-funk and to remind you that as long as you know your values and vision, you should never have to start at square one.
Let me know if you have any other ideas and/or suggestions, and as always…
Stay Stoked,
B
how to make a good salad; a guide to finding friends that will help you succeed
No, I did not just turn this into a food blog.
If you had lettuce and you wanted to make a good salad, you wouldn’t just add more lettuce. (bear with me, I promise there’s a point to this.)
Scientifically, humans have the natural desire to belong. Charles Darwin said, “In the long history of humankind, those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.” Our ancestors lived in tribes for survival. Being a part of a group meant increased resources, better mating opportunities, and safety. Although being a part of a group is no longer a necessity for survival, the concept is instinctual and still drives a part of our behavior today.
One of the most beautiful things about our world today is the infinite various cultures and social groups. Where you are from, how you were raised, what you believe, and the social norms of your culture all subconsciously tell you how to live your life. This fact is a double-edged sword. As James Clear wrote in his book titled Atomic Habits, “Often, you follow the habits of your culture without thinking, without questioning, and sometimes without remembering.” Although you cannot always control the environment or culture in which you live or how you were raised, you can control the people you surround yourself with. If you are currently surrounding yourself with people who are holding you back, this could be a large barrier in your path to success.
Throughout my life, I never really had a difficult time making friends. I grew up in the same small town my whole life and most of my besties have been there since day one. Many of my current friends all sat next to each other during circle time in kindergarten, all had Vera Bradley lunch boxes in middle school, and are still here 16 years later. I love my hometown friends with all my heart, and luckily I found myself running with a crowd of kind-hearted and motivated people. I am very blessed to have this group of friends that I have gone through life with and they are a crucial part of my support system. After being separated from these people when going to college, however, I realized that my beliefs and ideas were rarely challenged by the people I surrounded myself with.
You see, the easiest and most effective way to make friends is by meeting people who have the same or similar interests to you. And while yes, doing this will make you friends, it will not make you successful- unless your only goal is to have friends. In which case, there you go. Go eat your lettuce and be done with it.
I found that when I went to college, none of my ideas or thoughts, or beliefs had ever truly been challenged. Why? Because all the people I surrounded myself with were raised the same way I was, in the same place I was, surrounding themselves with the same people I was. All it took was a boy with blue hair and his Italian roommate who were moving in down the hall in my freshman dorm for me to realize that there was much more to life than I understood. (Not to mention the girl with the giant blonde bun propped on the top of her head who went by the name “Bop.”)
I know this may seem ignorant. I would argue that I knew people had different styles and backgrounds and beliefs, I just never made it a point to get to know people who were significantly different than me. (This is why college is a great opportunity to learn how to make a good salad if you haven’t already!) You see, if you surround yourself with people just like you, you will stay the same.
*Note: there is nothing wrong with that, but if you’re on this blog then I expect you are looking for some change.
Which brings me back to the salad- if you add lettuce to lettuce, it’s still just lettuce. If you want a good salad, you need some different ingredients. Now I’m not saying to go throw everything you have in the fridge on your lettuce, because then your salad wouldn't be very appetizing. We are talking gourmet here, people!!
The key to a good salad is having some sort of base similarity between the ingredients. For example, a fruit salad consists of fruits. And yes, you may argue that some salads have cheese and lettuce and strawberries and nuts which all come from different food groups, but they still have a common level of having some sort of nutrients.
And that is what you should strive for in the people you surround yourself with; different but all nutritious.
So let’s break this down a bit:
James Clear argues in Atomic Habits that “One of the most effective things you can do to build habits is to join a culture where your desired behavior is the normal behavior.” As humans, we will instinctually follow the crowd. Therefore, if you want to eat healthy and exercise more, find a roommate who eats healthy and exercises regularly.
“Your culture sets your expectation for what is “normal.” Surround yourself with people who who have habits you want to have yourself. You’ll rise together.” - James Clear
It is a simple formula but often overlooked. Here are some steps to help you find friends who will drive your success.
Know what you bring to the table (pun intended). Allow yourself to admit your strengths.
Acknowledge what you’re missing. Look critically — not personally — at things you could improve on.
Find people who possess those traits without straying from your base similarity (morals, goals, etc.). Let’s say you do some reflecting and believe that you are a kind person but are lacking some leadership skills. That doesn’t mean you should hit up your high school’s Regina George. Rather, talk with the president of the club you’re in, or your CEO aunt, or anyone in your network who you know to be what you believe is a “good person” that has great leadership skills. You first have to find a similarity between you and this person, and then see how they can push you to be better. In other words, if your salad is missing something sweet, add some tomatoes instead of some sprinkles.
LEARN FROM THEM. Ask them questions. Challenge their ideas and encourage them to challenge yours. It is crucial to keep an open mind as a closed mind won’t receive any information or knowledge. Make it a point to mention that you admire the specific skill they have. This will encourage them to talk more with you about what they do to obtain this skill.
Make them become a part of your life!! Ask them to get coffee every Monday morning. See if they’ll be your running buddy. The more time you spend with them, the more you will learn from them, and the more their skill will become yours.
Here are some of the ingredients for my personal salad recipe (qualities of people who I actively seek out to spend my time with):
motivated- working on a business/personal project, spends time on something uniquely productive (other than school/work), looks for new things to learn about
creative- thinks or acts different than the norm, creates something new, shares unique ideas with others
resilient- has overcome challenges, has a strong positive outlook on life despite facing adversity
grateful- feels blessed for what they have, takes the opportunity to help others, sees beauty and value in everyday things
open-minded- understands their biases, able to have conversations about controversial topics, listens to others and challenges their own opinions
high energy- does a variety of things in their daily life, generally positive, fun to be around, sends good energy into the universe, uplifting
Writing this list, I was genuinely thinking about the qualities of my friends. However, since surrounding myself with these people, I have found that I am beginning to see these traits in myself. I hope that if you know me personally, you are beginning to notice these qualities in me as well, as these are some of the qualities I wish to project into the world. (Note my post on the basics of personal branding.)
I realize in my last post I just encouraged you to be different. I stand by that. Fitting in with a crowd doesn’t mean you need to be exactly like these people. You can keep your individuality while surrounding yourself with people you admire who have traits and habits you seek to possess. The trick is to surround yourself with people you want to be like while still finding a way to stand out. If you find the right people, this won’t be as hard as it sounds.
I challenge you to learn something from every person you interact with. This will allow you to expose yourself to more people who each have different “signature skills.” Yes, some may not be right for your salad, but by getting to know as many people as you can, you will have a bigger variety of ingredients to choose from. The boy with blue hair? He makes music and is a self-taught tattoo artist and the absolute most driven, disciplined, confident, creative, hardworking, and successful person I have ever met. In fact, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have the guts to be writing this post right now. His Italian roommate? He is a musician, rocket-building engineer, and one of the most talented, genuine, down-to-earth people I have ever met who never fails to make me smile.
Oh and that big blonde bopper? Truly one of the most amazing people I have met in my entire life who is constantly challenging herself (and me) to be better. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here without you.
Don’t get me wrong, I still need my day ones. Many of my morals and beliefs which I still stand by today come from the people I grew up with. And what’s a salad without lettuce? But it’s the people who were different from me who allowed me to grow and advance in life.
So what are you waiting for? Get cooking !!
As always, share your thoughts! And of course…
Stay Stoked,
B
thanks, Mr. Jon; a lesson on how to differentiate yourself
When I was in high school, I had a social studies teacher who, for the purposes of this blog, we will call Mr. Jon. Mr. Jon was also my swim coach, as well as the school’s ceramics teacher. No offense to Mr. Jon, but I never found history very exciting. I spent a good portion of my time in his room slumped at my desk in the back of the room sleeping against the wall. To be fair, it was my first class of the day, the lights were often turned off, and I was occasionally coming from a 5:30 AM swim practice (which is probably why I got away with sleeping in class). Needless to say, I do not remember much of the curriculum from Mr. Jon’s class. However, there is one thing he said one day that I think about often. The man of many talents was also known for getting into deep and meaningful conversations about life. I remember one day he started explaining how he got his job at the school. He said he applied for the job of social studies teacher and was not completely confident that he would get it. During his interview, he was asked the common question- “Tell me about yourself!” He brought up the fact that he enjoyed ceramics. He was unaware at the time that the school was also looking to hire another ceramics teacher. This obviously seemed like a perfect hire for the school as he could fill the role of two teachers, so “lucky” Mr. Jon got the job. He explained the moral of his story as this- learn everything you can because you never know when your knowledge will come in handy.
I loved this message, but I took something else away from this story as well. Maybe Mr. Jon wasn’t just lucky. If Mr. Jon had not been so genuine in his interview, he may have answered the typical interview question in a way that seemed to make him more fit for teaching social studies. For example, he could have said he is interested in World War II and spends his time reading books and watching movies about this topic. Or, he could have made the common mistake of answering this question by giving an overview of his resume. Since he talked about something that made him unique, it gave him an edge over the other applicants, even if they hadn’t been looking for a ceramics teacher.
Similarly, my dad often discussed this same idea with me- the value of being different. Being the cute dad that he is, he occasionally emails my sister and me articles he finds that are interesting and/or relevant in our lives. In an email with the subject line “More boring life stuff from Dad,” he sent an article titled “This is the best answer I ever received to ‘Tell me about yourself’—after 20 years of interviewing.” See, Dad? I told you I read these! Anyways, the article tells the story of a woman who answered that question by saying she has climbed the highest mountain on every continent. The reason that this answer was so successful in the interview was not that it is such an impressive feat, but rather because it showed so much about her as a person. It showed that as an applicant, she was “adventurous, curious, goal-oriented, and disciplined,” as well as the fact that she “had the ability to apply lessons learned from past experiences to new challenges.” The interviewer was able to see all these impressive qualities through her genuine answer. Additionally, it made the applicant memorable. Out of all of the interviews the author conducted, you can bet he won’t forget about hers. The interviewer then went on to say that her answer to the follow-up question is what ultimately landed her the job. When asked what was going through her head when she reached the top of Mount Everest, she didn’t go off on some philosophical tangent, but instead answered by laughing and saying “How the heck am I going to get down?”
It is natural to walk into a job interview and try to mold yourself into the candidate you believe the interviewer wants. It is natural to go through life and try to mold yourself into the person you believe other people want you to be, or the way other people are. So why is it that the most successful people are the ones who are different from everyone else? The most successful businesses are the ones that can differentiate themselves from those who are selling the same product or service. When you think about your personal brand, think about how you can differentiate yourself from everyone else. What is something that you have, that you believe, that you do, that is different than anyone else in the room? You never know when your hobby of photography or your alternative ideas of team management are going to get you to where you want to be.
If you’re struggling to think about what makes you different, try these exercises:
List of Personal Achievements: Create a list of anything you have done in your life that you are proud of. Whether it is running a marathon, graduating school, winning the championship game, or finishing a book a month for a year.
My Skill Set Chart: This chart was part of a personal branding assignment in my college marketing class (Tom Marchese deserves another shout out here). Think of 3-4 things you do/have done that could prove you obtain the following skills many interviewers look for:
Ask your friends and family what makes you different! Introspection can be extremely challenging if you are not used to reflecting on your own self (although I highly recommend working on this skill… it is very valuable to be in tune with yourself!) If you really cannot come up with anything you are proud of or anything that gives you an edge, ask the people who know you best.
Ultimately, the most valuable thing you can do in life is being yourself. Explore your interests and see where it takes you. As cliché as it sounds, don’t be afraid to be you! Being like everyone else won’t get you far. Having a unique hobby or skill will make you memorable and valuable. Continue to challenge yourself and grow, and as always…
Stay Stoked,
B
why I don’t have goals- alternative ways of finding success: part I
Yes, you read that right. I don’t have “goals.”
That doesn’t mean I don’t have things I want to do in my life, and if I explained them to you, you would tell me that they were goals. However, I decided not to classify these things as goals. And here’s why:
I read a book (and re-read three times) called “The End of Procrastination: How to Stop Postponing and Live A Fulfilled Life” by Petr Ludwig and it completely changed my way of thinking. In it, Ludwig explains how to stay motivated. If you haven’t heard about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, here’s a little crash course on the topic:
Extrinsic motivation is when you are motivated to do something by rewards and punishments. For example, you may be motivated to work the extra shift so you can buy the newest Air Force 1’s. Or, you may be motivated to show up to class so you don’t drop a letter grade due to poor attendance.
Intrinsic motivation is when you are motivated to do something without reward or punishment solely because it will make you feel good to do it.
Many times, people propose the idea that the key to stay motivated is through intrinsic motivation, but more specifically, intrinsic goal-based motivation. You have probably heard that the key to success is to set goals. If you really know what you’re doing, you set “SMART goals.” S- specific, M- measurable, A- attainable, R- realistic, and T- timely (okay, maybe I did learn a few things in business school). And while yes, this method is effective in getting you what you want, it lacks one crucial factor: happiness.
As Petr Ludwig explains, if you have intrinsic goal-based motivation, your prefrontal cortex (oooooo sciencey!!) creates a goal by imagining future happiness. Let’s say this is your goal: I will make $X a year and save $Y so I can buy an Audi R8 by the time I am 29. It checks all the boxes for being a SMART goal. You write this down on a piece of paper and hang it on your fridge. As you write, you can feel the excitement as you picture yourself being handed the keys on your 29th birthday. You see this piece of paper every day and it motivates you to work hard and save your money. You work grueling hours and make sacrifices in your social life to reach this goal. The process is long and hard and there are times you think about giving up. Finally, the day comes where your paycheck comes in and you finally have enough for the R8. You walk into the dealership feeling on top of the world as you sign and drive off in your new car, staring at the four overlapping circles on the wheel. You did it. You are experiencing the emotion of joy, where there is a release of dopamine in the brain.
But now what?
A little devil named Hedonic Adaptation begins to kick in. After a few days, weeks, or months (if you’re lucky), your joy over your new car begins to fade. You aren’t feeling the same overwhelming sense of accomplishment you did when you drove it off the lot. So, you set an even larger goal. You work hard for that goal until you achieve it and so on. But let’s take a closer look at the process.
Step 1: you make a goal: feeling- excited, motivated
Step 2: you work towards that goal: feeling- unsatisfied that your are still lacking the thing you desire (your goal)
Step 3: you reach your goal: feeling- joy, dopamine is released for a brief amount of time
Step 4: you get used to your goal: feeling unsatisfied
Step 5: you make a new goal and restart the process
Now let’s take a look at the time frame of this process.
Step 1: a single moment
Step 2: days, weeks, months, years
Step 3: a moment, maybe days or weeks
Step 4: undefined until process is repeated
That’s a short amount of time feeling the emotion of joy thanks to hedonic adaptation.
Now let’s try the alternative: Intrinsic journey-based motivation:
Intrinsic journey-based motivation is what occurs when your actions reflect your “why.” Your day-to-day reflects your personal vision and the life you desire for yourself. To achieve this, you analyze your personal strengths and opportunities to discover meaningful activities to fill your day. This allows you to learn how to spend more time doing things that are both beneficial to you and beneficial to society, resulting in a fulfilling life.
Ludwig discusses setting “milestones” to ensure you are on the right path. These milestones may look like goals, but the difference is that a milestone is not the end. A goal is something you work to reach until you have achieved it. A milestone is used as feedback to ensure you are moving forward with your personal vision. The main advantage of intrinsic journey-based motivation is that there’s no room for hedonic adaptation to set in. As Petr Ludwig mentioned, “Since you have no goals to chase, you feel happier now.”
By completing meaningful activities, you are able to experience a state of flow. This state occurs when you are fully absorbed in what you are doing. I experience a state of flow every time I write a post. This assures me that I am doing a meaningful activity and working towards my personal vision. As opposed to feeling the emotion of joy when you reach a goal, a state of flow allows the release of dopamine to occur “over the long term” as Ludwig explains.
Part II will focus on how to create a personal vision.
Another way to think about “goals” in an alternative way is by creating a system.
I was introduced to this strategy by watching Rowena Tsai’s YouTube video titled “the one habit that is changing my life: set systems rather than goals.”
Similar to Ludwig’s concept of journey-based motivation, Tsai explains that “goals are hyper focused on the destination, while systems are embracing the journey.” The example she provides in her video is of having a clean room. She explains that if you have a messy room, you would make a goal to clean it. However, it will not stay clean because your habits of not putting things away haven’t changed.
“The outcome (or output) will always be the same because the system (or input) didn’t change. So, if we are able to fix the input, the output will fix themselves.” -Rowena Tsai
She explains how to build a system by:
Identifying what is essential
Choosing to invest in yourself
Actively making time for what is most important
Again, we will dive deeper into this in Part II.
For now, I challenge you to take time to reflect on what you want in life. Reflect on whether you are happy now, or waiting until you reach your goal to feel joy. Read The End of Procrastination. Download the audio or borrow the book from me if you’re a homie :) Oh look! What’s that? A link to the book? How convenient! (I should be getting paid for this...) Watch the YouTube video. CHALLENGE YOUR WAY OF THINKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE. That’s the only way you will grow.
And as always, let me know what you think!
Stay Stoked,
B
when you are not in the room
If I learned anything in business school (emphasis on if), it’s that you should always start with the Why. So before we get into what personal branding is, let’s make my $30,000 of wasted tuition worth something and talk about why it’s important, shall we?
Personal branding is the key to getting you the connections you need to create the life you desire.
You may have heard the phrase “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” As a future educator and learning-enthusiast, it pains me to say that this is extremely accurate. Any business major can tell you the importance of networking. You see, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know, because who you know can teach you what you need to know. Enter personal branding.
Without a strong and positive personal brand, the “who you know” won’t get you too far.
The term personal branding is often interpreted in different ways. Some believe it is how you portray yourself through social media. Although that is a part of it, there is much more to personal branding than that. Other people believe personal branding is about impressing others for the advancement of your professional success. But an important point I feel the need to make here when discussing this topic is that personal branding is not self promotion. Did you hear me? I’ll say it louder for the people in the back.
PERSONAL BRANDING IS NOT SELF PROMOTION.
Okay. Now that we have established that, let’s talk about what it is. Tai Tran explained in his TED Talk Designing a Purposeful Personal Brand from Zero to Infinity ,
“A personal brand is the intersection of perception and reality.”
Okay sick. So what is it though?
Your personal brand is comprised of everything you say, do, believe, and reflect onto others. As Jeff Bezos explained, “Your brand is what people say about you when you are not in the room.”
We all have a personal brand already. It is not something that you need to create from scratch. It is also not something that solely exists in the business world. Your brand carries into every relationship you have, both in your work life and personal life. Further than that though, your brand is carried past your relationships to people you haven’t even met yet. Your brand is described when your significant other is telling his/her family about you. Your brand is described when your mom is talking to the neighbor about you. Your brand is described when your previous boss is recommending you (or not) to your potential new boss. And it all starts from the core of who you are.
For a long time, I thought personal branding looked like this:
It is what the world said and thought about you. But the critical error in this interpretation is that in this scenario, your personal brand is in the hands of the world. I’ve learned that this is an accurate depiction of a personal brand of someone who doesn’t make the conscious effort to create one. If you don’t create a message or image you want people to think of when they think of you, then they’ll create their own. And you might not always love it. As Tai Tran said, “A personal brand that is constructed purely on perception will tumble on its own weight.”
This is what a personal brand looks like when you take control:
You must start with yourself. Figure out what you believe in. What do you stand for? What are your core values? What are your interests? Think about not only who you are as a professional, but also as a person. You then must project who you are authentically through your relationships. If you are living true to yourself, values, and beliefs, you should be able to reflect these things onto others effortlessly, and as a result, it will be what people remember about you. You design your personal brand by acting through your values.
That is why I believe that personal branding and personal development go hand-in-hand. In order to have the “best” personal brand, you have to have the “best” you. I am using quotations for “best” because there’s no such thing as “best.” Only better. You will never reach your best because if you believe you are the best version of yourself, then you are complacent and missing opportunities to become even better than your so-called “best.”
There is no last level when you are leveling up in life.
This is why I have devoted myself to continual growth and development, and while at times it may seem like an endless black hole of madness and exhaustion, I believe it’s worth it.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Stay Stoked,
B
allow me to (re)introduce myself
Hey everyone! I’m B and WELCOME TO MY FREAKING BLOG.
Who would’ve thought?
I am a current senior in college and over the past few years I have been researching and learning about self-development and personal branding. It has become a large interest and passion of mine so I figured I would use this platform to organize my thoughts and share my ideas on these topics.
I am not an expert by any means, so please remember that this is coming from a 21-year-old privileged girl, but personal branding became an interest of mine while taking a marketing class (shout out Tom Marchese) my sophomore year of college as a business major. At that point in my life, I was not happy with myself or the life I was living. I grew up changing my answer the to the ever-so dreaded "What Do You Want To Do With Your Life" question daily. My responses ranged from car designer to garbage woman (the dreams of every young girl), to interior designer. When it was time to finalize this answer by picking a major of study in college, I still had no idea. Therefore, I chose the major any person does when they don't know what they want to do: Business.
I was in the process of trying to escape my unhappiness by continuing my uninteresting classes in a more interesting environment on the coast of Italy when I hit my breaking point. I realized that a change of scenery would not fix my problem. Tom had just given an applause-worthy lecture in class (unheard of, I know) about personal branding. It was so inspiring, it had me rethinking my whole life plan. It was this lecture I was reflecting on while I was on my way to the Italian Embassy to get my visa with my dad. This lecture lead me to two realizations; The first being that I had absolutely no interest or motivation to try and sell myself to companies. Second, I was not as passionate about anything in my life as Tom had been about that lecture.
I had a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat— both of which were telling me this was not a good idea. With a shakey voice, I told my dad I didn't think I wanted to do this anymore. He pulled over on the side of the highway right before the turnpike. We sat and talked and did a bit of soul searching. My dad, being the angel that he is, gave me his full support in deciding I should call off this (unreal, picturesque, heavenly, jaw-dropping, etc.) trip abroad to instead pursue something more fit for me. We turned the car around and never looked back.
I know that sounds like a pretty anticlimactic story, but it actually was one of the most life-changing events that has happened to me (I am only a 21-year-old privileged girl, remember?). But before you shame me, allow me to tell you why.
Up until that moment, I had no idea I had the power to control my life. I don't mean that I had controlling parents who told me everything I had to do. I had amazing parents who let me explore and do things I wanted to and live my life (love you Mom and Dad). What I mean is that I was living my whole life restricted by the standards I had created for myself. I had to go to college because I told myself I did. I had to choose a realistic career path that would lead to financial success because I told myself I did. I had to stay in a major I was uninterested in because I told myself I did. But the thing is, I never gave myself concrete reasoning for those decisions other than "I have to." That day, I realized I didn't. I was restricting my own power to create a life I actually wanted. Was this change in plans easy? No. Did it come with consequences like two semesters of summer classes and a few 20 credit hour semesters? Yes. Did it cost me an amazing three months living on the Amalfi Coast? Yes (but I pretend to forget that). Am I writing this today with regret? Hell no.
I am now studying to be a teacher as well as indulging in the concept of life-long learning. I absolutely love what I am learning and I love the life I am creating for myself. One of my favorite quotes I have come across on this journey is from George Bernard Shaw: "Live not to find yourself, but create yourself". I hope this blog will allow me to continue to create myself and enhance my personal vision, brand, and purpose, and I hope I am able to teach you something about living a life you love as well.
I really want this platform to be less of a blog and more of a space for conversation! If you’re interested and have any ideas, comments, thoughts, corrections, criticism, questions, additional knowledge, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment on any post or email me! We are all here to learn, including me. I don’t want this to be the B Show…. (although stay tuned for that!?)
I am so happy to have you join me in this adventure.
Stay Stoked,
B